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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28216170">Illicit Affairs</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/DAgron01/pseuds/DAgron01'>DAgron01</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Atypical (TV 2017)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Canon Divergence, Cazzie, F/F, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, cizzie</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 01:07:55</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,528</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28216170</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/DAgron01/pseuds/DAgron01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Post-Season 2 finale. Immediately following the hand holding in the car scene.  Izzie's POV</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Casey Gardner/Izzie</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>58</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Illicit Affairs</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>“And you know damn well<br/>For you, I would ruin myself<br/>A million little times”</p><p> </p><p>Izzie is a good person. At least, she tried to be. She <em> had </em>to be. She couldn’t afford to mess up. To make mistakes. She was usually the one who always did the right thing...except for getting drunk off stolen vodka on school grounds. So she’s not gay. She can’t be. And she certainly wasn’t the person who fell for her best (only real) friend; a friend who also had a boyfriend that she loved. One that loved her and only her.</p><p>But here she is. Holding Casey’s hand in a car, four towns away from home. And she <em> likes </em> it. It might be wrong--what they’re doing, but nothing in her life has ever felt so right. Casey’s hand is warm in hers. Soft even. Their hands just fit together.</p><p>And sure, Izzie hears Casey’s phone vibrate with an incoming call. And she can guess who it is. So she almost pulls her hand away, but Casey declines the call and puts her phone back in her pocket. Izzie wants to ask why. What it means. But she didn’t want to ruin the moment. She didn’t want Casey to pull her hand away. She didn’t want her to realize what they were doing and stop doing it. So she stays there quietly holding her best friend’s hand and silently prays that they could be more. So much more.</p><p>She tries to figure out when things changed between them. She had always been drawn to Casey, maybe that’s why she was so mean to her. Because she was the new girl who was faster than Izzie and seemed to be effortlessly accepted by the other girls on the track team when Izzie always had to try so damn hard just to fit in. It had been easier to hate her at first. To blame the new girl for everything that was wrong in her life. It was easier to be jealous of her. Because the moment she actually let Casey in, she was a goner.</p><p>Things quickly became easy between them. Casey allowed Izzie to truly be herself. She made her laugh. She built her ridiculously adorable forts in the living room just for the two of them to hide inside. She let Izzie cry (if she needed to--which was surprisingly often lately) and she hugged her when she did. Casey also gave really good hugs. </p><p>She was pretty and funny and kind. She was smart--smarter than she let others think she was. And she was so damn talented, and fast. She made Izzie try harder. Do better. <em> Be </em> better. And she was honest and kept secrets for Izzie and shared secrets with Izzie. They just <em> got </em>each other in a way that no one else in their lives did.</p><p>Plus, Izzie adored Sam. And she even liked Casey’s parents, which was especially surprising because Casey disliked her own mom so much. But Elsa seemed to genuinely care about Casey, and Izzie almost felt jealous about that. To have parents who cared so fucking much that it was overwhelming, and overbearing and annoying. But she also understood that they weren’t perfect. That they were flawed. That they were human. And somehow, it gave her hope for her own mom to come around and act like a mom again. Someday. </p><p>Izzie even actually liked Evan. When she forced herself to think about him. Which was not very much at all, because it hurt her to do so. But he was good to Casey. Sometimes, even good <em> for </em> Casey. And that just made Izzie feel worse about everything. It should have been obvious to her that they were heading towards this place. She should have stopped it. If she was a better person, she would have. </p><p>She knew Casey didn’t kiss Nate. She knew Casey was better than that--especially since she understood how much her mom cheating on her had hurt Casey and her family. So she should have been the bigger person and admitted as much to her. But the kiss happened and it freaked her out. Just like she told Casey--she freaked out at the thought of losing her. Because she had never been jealous of Casey kissing her boyfriend. She had been outraged at Nate for kissing <em> her </em> girl. Because no matter how much she tried to deny it, Casey was <em> hers. </em>  Or at least, she very much wanted her to be.</p><p>And she needed her. More than she’d ever admit. She had fallen hard. And fast. And a part of her wanted to fight for Casey. To throw down the gauntlet and challenge Evan for her. That’s what the birthday confession almost was. The forehead promise she made up just to get closer to her. The almost kiss. But then Casey’s mom interrupted them. And Casey kissed Evan right in front of her. Then Sharice stepped in between them and pushed Izzie to the side once more.</p><p>And so, instead of accepting defeat as she should have; instead of accepting that all Casey had to offer her in that moment was friendship--she reached out again. Texting often. Too often. Only to get blown off, most likely for Evan.</p><p>She had been ready to finally accept that she had lost. To finally back down and do the right thing. By Casey. By Evan. Even, maybe, by herself. Because she didn’t want to be a homewrecker. Nor did she want Casey to question herself or their friendship; or worse, worry that again she would be viewed the same way she saw her own mother. A cheater.</p><p>But then Casey drove her several towns away just because Izzie mentioned a craving for a cotton candy slurpee and there was only one 7-Eleven in the area that had them. Then they sat in the car, and Casey told her that she had sex with Evan again just before admitting that sometimes a thing just <em> feels </em> right. And it was basically an echo of something Izzie had admitted to her the first day they had become friends when they were both drunk on Quinn's cheap vodka.</p><p>So she thought ‘<em> Screw it!’ </em> She reached hesitantly toward Casey’s hand. Their pinkies barely touch. It gave her the courage for more. The courage to hope. And now, here they were legitimately holding hands. </p><p>It had been Casey who turned her hand over, palm facing Izzie’s, to properly hold her hand. Their fingers laced together easily as if they were meant to. As if they were made for each other. And Izzie could breathe again. She could relax. Or she had relaxed until the phone call that caused her to visibly (possibly audibly) swallow as her emotions threatened to get the best of her. As she was continuously reminded of all the reasons they shouldn’t be doing this right along with all the million reasons why she wanted to. Needed to. Along with all the reasons she would regret this in the morning. </p><p>Now they sit in an awkward silence that neither seemed keen on breaking. And that’s okay. For now. She’s surprised how long they sit there in the quiet sanctuary of Casey’s car with their hands interlaced. She figures that Casey would have pulled away ages ago. She fears it will happen soon. But until then, she is content with pretending. Because even if they sit like this all night, it still wouldn’t be long enough. It never would be enough. And that thought should terrify her. If she were a smarter person it would have. But love, as they say, is blind. It must also be stupid, because Izzie knows she is royally and totally fucked. She closes her eyes and releases a staggered breath. </p><p>“Izzie…?” Casey’s voice is quiet and somehow echoes in the interior of the small car.</p><p>“Hmmm?” Izzie doesn’t trust her own voice yet. </p><p>Doesn’t trust it not to tremble with the truth of how deeply she has feelings for this person. <em> Her </em>person.</p><p>“Do you think...am I…” </p><p>Casey fumbles for words and Izzie wonders if she feels it, too--this tug between them. This invisible thing she doesn’t know how to fight, nor does she want to.</p><p>“Do I think what, Casey?” She asks, matching Casey’s quiet tone.</p><p>It’s as if they both think raising their voices will break the spell between them. That it will make things real. And whatever is outside that keeps them apart will work extra hard to ruin them. As if she isn’t already ruined for every other person that comes around who isn’t Casey.</p><p>“I thought...when I…” Casey exhales shakily and tries again. “I thought sex would fix things for me and Evan.” She looks out the window, away from Izzie. “I thought it would fix me.”</p><p>“Fix what? What do you think is so broken?” Izzie wonders. </p><p>She rubs her thumb across the top of Casey’s hand, caressing her. Needing that extra connection between them.</p><p>“Me.” Casey admits even quieter than she had been whispering.</p><p>Izzie frowns and turns slightly in her seat--trying her best to face Casey even though she isn’t looking at her. “You’re not broken. You can’t possibly be.”</p><p>“Then why would I risk what I have with Evan? Why would I self-sabotage?” Casey glances at her and removes her hand from Izzie’s. “For something that I don’t even understand. For something that can’t…”</p><p>She takes a steadying breath and once again avoids eye contact.</p><p>“What are you saying, Casey?”</p><p>“I’m saying that Evan is perfect and I love him and…” She turns toward Izzie with tears in her eyes. “Why isn’t that enough?”</p><p>Izzie exhales loudly as her eyes scan Casey’s features. She’s searching for something that will give her the courage to answer. She’s looking for a sign.</p><p>“After all the shit I always give Elsa...and here I am...with you.” Casey says before Izzie can answer.</p><p>Izzie swallows audibly, trying to reign back the tears that are threatening to fall. “I’m sorry...that I held your hand. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, or upset. I promise I won’t do it again.”</p><p>Casey scoffs at that and shakes her head sadly. “That’s the point though, Izzie. I’m not upset that you did it...I’m upset that I wanted you to. That I liked it.”</p><p>“You...liked it.” Izzie whimpers.</p><p>“Of course I did. It’s <em> you </em> , Izzie. Being with you and around you and just...everything feels so big and confusing and <em> right. </em> Which is wrong.”</p><p>“Because you have a boyfriend.” Izzie knows the answer.</p><p>Casey studies her. “Well, yeah. But also...I mean, you’re my best friend. And you’re straight and it should be okay for us to hang out and hold hands without me getting all...<em> stupid </em> about it. And making it into something that it isn’t.”</p><p>Izzie stares at her with wide eyes and her mouth hanging open.</p><p>“Please say something, I don’t want to have made things weird between us.” Casey almost sounds like she’s begging. “I just got you back. I don’t want to lose you again.”</p><p>Izzie frantically shakes her head. “You won’t.” </p><p>“You can’t promise that.” Casey says sadly.</p><p>“Yes. I can.” Izzie says with determination.</p><p>“How?” Casey wonders. Most of her frustration seems to have vanished. “Why?”</p><p>“You know why.” Izzie breathes out. She tries shifting in her seat again, bringing her body as close to Casey’s as the awkwardness of the car will allow. “I was scared to say anything because I couldn’t imagine you feeling the same way and I didn’t want to jeopardize our friendship. I wasn’t brave enough to put myself out there...not the way I wanted to. Not after the last fight we had. But Casey...I...you will never lose me, okay? I want you so bad. I want this. I want us.”</p><p>Casey stares at her as her eyebrows shoot up in shock. “Us? Like...you’re...you and me…”</p><p>“I stayed with Nate because it was easy. Because it was supposed to be what a girl like me would want. But when he kissed you...I was so jealous...because...<em> I </em>wanted to be the one to kiss you.” Izzie admits.</p><p>“You want to kiss me?” Casey asks in wonderment.</p><p>“I do.” Izzie swallows. “But I won’t. Not now. Because you are not your mom, Casey. And I would never want to make you feel that way. If you want Evan, I will back off and we can stay friends. But if you want to take a chance with me, if you are brave enough...I want to be brave, too.”</p><p>Casey stares at her in silence.</p><p>“You don’t have to make the choice now. Honestly, I’d wait for you forever, if I had to.” Izzie confesses and blushes at how ridiculous she is, and how pathetic. “If I knew there was a chance.”</p><p>Casey reaches toward her again, and grabs her hand slowly. Delicately. And it’s perfect.</p><p>“You’d wait for me?” She wonders vulnerably.</p><p>Izzie nods. </p><p>“Always.” She says as she looks down at their linked fingers. “You’re worth the wait.”</p><p>Casey smiles at her. “I don’t deserve you.”</p><p>“You deserve the world, Casey. And I’ll give it to you, if you let me.”</p><p>Tears line Casey’s eyes, and Izzie finds herself on the verge of crying as well. They are once again interrupted by Casey’s phone ringing.</p><p>“It’s probably Evan.” She says, but she doesn’t move though. “I should talk to him. End things.”</p><p>Izzie smiles hopefully. “Really?”</p><p>“I think I’ve always been yours, Izzie.” She tells her with a smirk.</p><p>Izzie’s smile widens and she lets the tears fall. She dared to hope and it actually paid off. </p><p>Casey faces the front of the car, and starts the ignition. Then she squeezes Izzie’s hand in hers before letting go.</p><p>“I plan to take a raincheck on that kiss.” She tells her as she puts the car in drive.</p><p>They drive in silence and Izzie has never felt so at peace--or so full of hope and happiness in her life. She knows she wears a smile the whole way home. Before too long, Casey slows to a stop in Izzie’s driveway and puts the car in park.</p><p>“I’ll text you later.” She turns toward her. “I don’t look forward to hurting him. But I can’t hide who I am anymore either. I felt like half a person.” She sighs. “Lying sucks, even when you don’t realize what you're lying about or who you’re lying to. If that makes sense.”</p><p>Izzie nods. “Mostly, I’ve been lying to myself. And you’re right, it’s horrible.”</p><p>“But you really want to do this? You really want me?” Casey asks with uncertainty.</p><p>“I do. More than I’ve ever allowed myself to want anything.” </p><p>Casey smiles at her, she leans toward her and whispers, “Forehead promise?”</p><p>Izzie laughs out loud at that, but rests her head against Casey’s and looks her in the eye. “You and me, forever. Promise?”</p><p>Casey’s eyes bore into hers and she feels the exhale of her breath on her lips. “Promise.”</p>
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